Sometimes I wish that I had something to stick onto like a niche or a skill that I can keep doing for the rest of my life. But it had never come.
I still keep stumbling upon things that are tangential for me to do, like watching hours and hours of Quantum Mechanics lectures from MIT OpenCourseware, try to learn PCB designing, trying to learn music, art (animation), UI/UX designing?
And the list never exhausts. I know the reader might think that this is a classic “doesn’t-go-into-depth-does-want-all” kinda behaviour but I just can’t help it. Because of this trait, I can’t find my purpose or my lane yet and that makes me so confused all the time about what I am doing and what I should do.
I have asked AIs, people about this and all they say is schedule ‘em… schedule your “go into the rabbit hole” hour for the day or the week and keep doing what you’re doing. That’s the best way they say. But what if it keeps bugging me all the time and I get to be quiet… my mind is only quiet when I sleep.
When I go to Linkedin, I despise myself for being me because people there seems to have figured out all the shit that they gonna do or they are doing ‘em right now.
Meanwhile I’m oscillating between distributed systems, animation principles, embedded hardware, and whether film grain changes emotional perception.
It makes me feel fragmented.
Like everyone else is building a straight road while I’m wandering through side quests.
And because modern career culture worships specialization, curiosity without immediate output starts looking irresponsible.
I still feel confused a lot.
I still envy people with certainty.
I still wonder whether I’m wasting time by constantly drifting between disciplines.
But I also know this: The moments I feel most alive are usually when I’m learning something intensely.
So, I just wanted the reader to let you know that don’t aim to stick to certainty from the start, let yourself figure out